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Part 6
OFFICIAL SCRIPT By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma PART 6: NARRATOR (V.O.): We resume to our heroes, presumably hero-ing….. I dunno I’m just the narrator. I kinda just read what’s given to me…. And nothing was given to me. I kind of just make it up on the fly. Hey, look, a plane! Cut to sea-plane landing in the sea off the coast of Cuba. The Grüp jumps out of the plane with full military garb and wades towards the beach like in Saving Private Ryan. They act all dramatic and pretend there’s explosions everywhere. They hide behind non-existent cover and McGregor fires wildly into the air. MANFRED: Oh, there’s no one here. They just drop their stuff on the beach and walk forward. A kid looks at the M16. Cut to them walking through Havana and a bunch of people trying to sell them random stuff. SALESMAN: Watermelon! Watermelon! Get your-a watermelon! Take anything! Anything! Take my wife! Please! Take her. BADASS: Haha, good one. The salesman grabs him by the collar. SALESMAN: I mean it! SALESMAN’S WIFE (really shrill): JUAN!!! Did you sweep the grass, yet?!! Juan!! SALESMAN: It’s grass… it’s supposed to be dirty SALESMAN’S WIFE: JUAAAAANNNNN!!! The salesman curses in Spanish under his breath. They walk into a bar. MANFRED: This is a tough town. We’re going to have to work our way up to find… El Diablo. The entire bar goes silent and everyone stares at them. Everyone looks like a bandito and really scary. CHEETO BANDITO (super accent): You gringos come into my bar talking about El Diablo with such…….eh…stupid? You have stupid face. I get my best Cheetos from him. MANFRED: Where is he? Where can we find your “merchandise”? CHEETO BANDITO: I spit on you before I tell! And by spit, I mean punch! Punches Manfred right in the face. MANFRED (holding his nose): Oh my god, he punched me right in the nose! CHEETO BANDITO: Welcome to Cuba, coño! Massive bar fight ensues. Manfred tackles Cheeto to the ground and they fight. Thongledore pushes Manfred off. THONGLEDORE: Leave him to me! Thongledore rubs his beard in Cheeto’s face, giving him burns for some strange reason. Meanwhile, McGregor is sitting in a chair with his arms crossed. 5 strong banditos come to him, and crack their knuckles. In one fluid motion he stands up, kicks his chair up, grabs it, swings it around, smashing the banditos, and then flips it back down, and sits on it. While this is happening, Badass is picked up, and thrown onto the counter BADASS: No no no no!! The drag him along the countertop, smashing glasses. Badass is thrown off the table. He shields his eyes, picks up a tequila bottle, and starts swinging blindly. BADASS: I’m helping! He accidently smashes it on McGregor’s head. Badass opens one eye, sees McGregor slowly turns around. BADASS: I’m going to run away now. He turns around and plows right into Cheeto Bandito. Badass falls over, Cheeto doesn’t even flinch. CHEETO BANDITO: Enough! I’ll tell you… just leave my humble bar. My dealer lives on Seis Seis Seis Evil Lair Calle. Be gone! Badass gets up, he has a huge welt on his face. BADASS: That was fun! The Grüp walks out of the bar. Thongledore reaches into his beard, and pulls out a human bone. THONGLEDORE: Hmm, how’d that get there? He tosses it aside. They get to a back alley, where a shady a shady man is standing. He looks like a human version of Chester Cheetah (orange hair, freckles, sunglasses, and a blonde goatee). CHESTER (really frantic): My name’s…Chester- wait- He suddenly goes over to the table, cuts up some Cheetos with a razor blade and snorts the dust. CHESTER: Dangerously cheesy!!!! MANFRED: Where can we find El Diablo Peroxido? CHESTER: Ahhhhh…. No one speaks the Diablo’s name. But you just did. This is interesting. I am but a lowly dealer, in this grand scheme. MANFRED: There’s more dealers? CHESTER: Well, you see, I have a dealer, who deals deals to me, a dealer, who will in turn deal my deals to dealers dealing other deals. It’s cycle…. One that ends at the Dealer Dealership, where we deal our deals to other dealing dealers daily. The dealer you seek deals these deals to my dealers…….Deal? MANFRED: …Where do we go? Chester points to another shady character, about 100 yards away. MANFRED: You guys are awfully close. CHESTER: That’s C Puffs. We like to keep our deals dearly close. MANFRED: Ok, here’s the plan *whisper whisper whisper* Cut to Badass in a trench coat walking down the street toward the dealer. C Puffs is holding a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and takes a spoonful. He lights the underside of the spoon to get high and starts to put it in his mouth. C PUFFS: Awwww, yeaaaaahhhhh. I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. That’s the good stuff baby. Badass opens up walkie-talkie. Calls Manfred. MANFRED: Ahoy hoy BADASS: So, what do I say again? MANFRED: Just act natural…..Actually, act the exact opposite of how you normally act. Badass nervously hangs up. Approaches C Puffs. BADASS (nervously): Yo man, where can a brotha score some totally dope drugs dude? C PUFFS: You a cop? BADASS: Uhhhhhh He slowly backs up. After a second, a faint whistling sound is heard. It grows louder. C PUFFS: What the- McGregor yells, as he jumps from the roof onto C Puffs, knocking him out. BADASS: Nice my main man. Yo rhymes be ill to the mizz-ax. Fade to black.